Honouring a departed person at a wedding

Thoughts upon the topic

1. In planning any tribute or prayer, it is clearly wise for the Happy Couple to consult any very close relations or friends who may have strong feelings about the issue.
2. Most etiquette books recommend not calling attention to death at a wedding. This is on the grounds that a wedding is a joyous occasion and that the guests should not be reminded of anything sad that might overshadow the current happy event. Attending a wedding in a church where a family funeral has recently been held can increase the potential for sad memories and an outpouring of grief.

   Extreme proponents of this "no mention of dead people" position sometimes use the adjectives "ghoulish" and "morbid", believing that any gesture would give the event funereal overtones and would shift the focus of the event.

3. Contrastingly, some major religious traditions normally include prayers for the dead during services. Mention of dead family members is deemed healthy and appropriate. Catholic and Orthodox Christians believe that prayers for the dead may benefit a person who has died but is not yet with God in Heaven. Members of these churches often privately pray daily for the Faithful Departed and do include such prayers in family-centred occasions such as weddings.
4. Families which have been touched by death of a parent or sibling are often conscious of feeling "incomplete" at a wedding. Widespread, well-known wedding customs allot special roles to parents. As some guests may not know both families intimately, it can be expedient for a family to give an obvious sign that a family member's role is vacant or filled by a substitute because of death. Without such a sign, a guest might mistakenly assume any of a number of other explanations. A bride with a deceased father does not want to be mistaken for a bride with a "deadbeat dad". A conservative, bereaved bride who choses to process down an aisle alone does not want to be mistaken for a feminist bride with a living father who did not approve of "giving away" gestures.
5. Some people wish to honour their parents publicly at their wedding. Death of a loving and loved parent does not usually alter these feelings.
6. Some religious traditions (such as Australian Aboriginal) do not allow the use of a dead person's name or the display of that person's image under any circumstances in any situation at all.
7. Many people do honour the departed at their weddings, no matter what the etiquette books recommend. It may be that available books are out of step with late twentieth century sensibilities, or that the books have ultimately been based on a common cultural heritage which no longer reflects the background of many Happy Couples. Each couple must individually decide whether the justifications given in the books are relevant to their own situation.

Some ways to honour a departed person at a wedding:

1. If your religious tradition includes prayers for the departed, this is a very appropriate and effective way.
2. Family photographs in groups, or parental wedding photographs, might be displayed, perhaps as part of a tableau. Sticking to group pictures emphasises the deceased person's role in the family rather than the loss of an individual. Other pictures of the Happy Couple, perhaps such as baptismal, first communion or confirmation pictures, or baby pictures and birthday party pictures, would make a nice set.
3. The bride or groom might use or carry some object which is connected with the deceased. This might be a prayer book or an item of clothing. This would typically be a private gesture.
4. There might be a dedication or other mention of the deceased in an order of service or wedding programme.
5. Altar flowers may be offered in memory of the deceased. This might be noted in the booklet.
6. Flowers might be laid at the grave of the deceased on that day. This is a common custom in Ireland. This would typically be a private gesture.
7. The deceased may be referred to in speeches at the wedding reception. What is to be said should be carefully planned beforehand. Often the best words do not come out when the speechmaker is nervous and hasn't prepared. In extreme cases tipsy people have been known to make very depressing spur-of-the-moment toasts.

   Again, it is probably best to focus on the deceased's role along with other family members rather than to have a separate toast to that person alone. For example, an orphan might arrange for a toast to his/her extended family, including a reference to the deceased parents. This allows the guests to toast the living and the departed together, perhaps also thinking about future generations of the family as well.

Notes regarding seating and dances:

1. Some communities have a tradition of intricately-structured seating plans at wedding ceremonies and receptions. A bride or bridegroom may have always imagined family sitting in certain traditional positions and be troubled at the thought of a gap or of uneven numbers or asymmetry. Similarly, some groups have a customary sequence of first dances that emphasise symmetricality in families.
2. It is important to remember that the job of wedding customs is to help families to celebrate together happily. They are not intended to make some families feel incomplete, but rather to make sure that all family members are given an opportunity for involvement. A family with one living parent does not necessarily need to find someone to fill in the other parent's "slot".
3. Regarding seating, there are at least three approaches:
   • Rearrange the seating pattern into one which makes sense for the people who will be attending.
   • Ask other relatives to fill vacant seating slots.
   • Leave gaps. This option seems least preferable, as some guests may find empty places "spooky" or worrying. It may even look as though someone important has RSVP'd and then failed to show up.
   It is important not to put the cart before the horse. You are seating the guests so that they can hear the vows or eat their meals. You are not seating them to be a work of performance art or a genealogical reference chart (we hope).
4. Regarding dancing, the options for seating make sense here too. Remember the purpose of the dances and adapt them until suitable. Again, don't put the cart before the horse. This isn't a maypole dance where the pattern of ribbons is the whole point. This is a dance between members of the real families which have just been joined. If you even want to sit out one of the dances, why not? Why not go pay your respects to your shaky-legged old grandparents who aren't able to join you on the dance floor?