Extract from:The Self in the Almond Tree by Shoshanna Keller
[This book charts a woman's journey of self discovery, from ignorance to enlightenment.It is one of the best of it's kind that I have read.It is written in lucid prose, with many deep insights into life.]
The unenlightened mind darkens the path of perception.The mind must be aware of it Self before it can gain knowledge; before it can become truly conscious.Then the doors are flung open and the magus Self begins to reveal its splendour.
Then the stream begins to flow within you as the pattern is revealed in a kaleidoscope of colour and forms.
Then you know you have come home, have returned to the source of your being.
Now you understand the meaning of the mandala.You have found your centre, the still centre in the heart of chaos.The symbolic eye of meditation.
You blamed those nearest to you for your sense of unfulfilment:your mother for not loving you enough; your father for not understanding you; men who didn't even try, so obsessed they were with their physical needs.Friends who betrayed your trust, who imposed on you.Sisters, brothers, who should have shared your pain; who were not there when you neede them.The husband who exploited you.Teachers who could not teach you what you needed to know. No-one with whom to share your unique world.No-one to fly with.
They are to blame;they have failed to fill that cavern within, that yearning for fulfilment, for quietude of the raging soul.
Thus, you cling to your illusions.You cling to people, fearing to be alone with your Self...which you do not trust.Afraid of madness.Your overwhelming feeling of tristesse, your tears, your self pity would fill a crater! Illusion after illusion.Pursuing baubles that glow for a while, then drift away.How to hold on to them?
You read the Jataka tales about the Buddha;Siddhartha; also The Magus.Intellectually you understood.But how to perceive with the senses?For reason does not suffice.You read books on yoga, but book teaching cannot teach you what you need to know.Nor the advice of friends, for they also have their demons which they seldom, if ever acknowledge.
It seems that one must walk through fire, wade through seas and rivers of distress, sink, then rise again and againsink, then surface;drown each illusion one by one;peel back the layers of wrong thinking, of false gods, false values.Know yourself to be the product of faulty education; born in strife, reared in confusion, and ultimately author of your own despair.
You must die a little before you can be reborn.
Then when you are ready for rebirth, the teacher, your own Self, will come.And it will abide with you for the rest of your days.No need to cling, for it is part of you.Someone to fly with.The two of you, in harmony. And you can also communicate with other conscious Selves.
From : The Self in the Almond Tree: an Inner Journey by Shoshanna Keller. (Richmond,Victoria:Spectrum Publications, 1986)pp.12-13. [Out of print]